Why uncertainty can feel so overwhelming

One of the central ideas in Héctor’s talk was uncertainty. Human beings are not good at living with not knowing, and cancer brings uncertainty very quickly. There is uncertainty before diagnosis, uncertainty while waiting for results, uncertainty around treatment and uncertainty afterwards too. Even when treatment has finished, many people continue living with questions about the future, recurrence, relationships and identity.

That is why the emotional burden of prostate cancer often goes far beyond the medical facts alone. The mind naturally tries to gain control by searching for more information, replaying conversations, imagining outcomes and asking “what if?” again and again. Héctor helped frame this in a way people could recognise immediately: the thoughts keep circling, and the suffering often comes not only from what has happened, but from what the mind fears might happen next.

The problem with silence and avoidance

Another important message from the evening was that avoidance often backfires. Many people try to cope by distracting themselves, keeping busy, pretending nothing is happening or pushing difficult thoughts away. That reaction is understandable, but it can strengthen fear instead of easing it. The same happens in relationships when people stop talking because the subject feels too intimate, too uncomfortable or too painful to name.

Héctor explained this with clarity and kindness. Telling yourself not to think about something rarely works. Refusing to speak about it does not make it disappear. In many cases, silence leaves people alone with assumptions, shame and unnecessary distance from the people who care about them most.

Partners need support too

One of the strongest parts of the discussion centred on partners. Partners often want to help, but they are also living with uncertainty, helplessness and their own emotional responses. Sometimes they try to protect the patient. Sometimes they avoid the conversation because they do not know how to start it. Sometimes they fear saying the wrong thing. All of that can create tension on both sides.

This is why the meeting repeatedly returned to the value of including partners in future conversations. If support is only directed at the patient, an important part of the picture can be missed. Prostate cancer affects relationships, routines, communication and intimacy. Creating safe space for partners as well as patients can help families feel less isolated and better equipped to navigate change together.

Masculinity, intimacy and emotional honesty

Héctor also addressed an area that many men find particularly difficult to discuss: masculinity and sexual changes after treatment. He did so with real care, reminding attendees that a person is always more than one function of the body and that intimacy cannot be reduced to performance alone. Closeness, affection, companionship, humour, tenderness and emotional presence all remain important forms of intimacy.

That message matters because prostate cancer can affect deeply personal parts of identity. Men may worry about how they are seen by their partner, what has changed, what the future looks like and whether they are still themselves. Naming these concerns openly can reduce shame and make room for more realistic, compassionate conversations.

A more humane way of dealing with difficult thoughts

One particularly helpful part of the talk involved stepping back from fearful thoughts rather than treating every thought as a fact. Instead of saying “I am doomed” or “I am not myself anymore”, Héctor encouraged people to notice the thought for what it is: “I am having the thought that…” That small shift can create distance and reduce the power of frightening mental narratives.

He also encouraged people to be more careful with the language they use with themselves. Many people speak to themselves far more harshly than they would ever speak to a friend, partner or loved one. Choosing kinder, more grounded language does not deny difficulty. It simply makes it easier to carry that difficulty without adding unnecessary self-judgement.

This session made something very clear: emotional wellbeing is not a side issue. It is part of the reality of living with prostate cancer. Men may continue carrying fear, frustration, confusion or shame long after treatment, especially if they have never had a space where these subjects could be discussed openly and without embarrassment.

At Prostate Cancer Gibraltar, we are grateful to Héctor Lozano for helping open that space. His contribution reflected an important direction for our community: supporting men not only medically, but emotionally too, while recognising that partners and families often need support as well.